Sunday, March 19, 2017

I Put My Bra On

Thought I would Honor 
my Mom's Birthday today by doing this again,
posted 3/19/2013
posted 3/19/2015
so once more with feeling, 
or third time's the charm,
and I still hate bras.

I put my bra on this morning,
so I had every intention of getting a lot of work done.
Doesn't everyone gauge their day by their undergarments?

I suppose I have a weird relationship 
with bras harking back to my first weeks of nursing.
Sending your hesitant but determined husband
 out to a specialty store for the "well developed"
in downtown Vegas, serving the 
uh.."specialty girls",
two days after delivery of your first born is 
challenging and hilarious.

Imagine him standing in the store,
explaining that no "regular"nursing bras I had
purchased pre-birth were even remotely large enough.
With the clerk hollering out directions, 
I have the phone perched in the
crook of my shoulder while measuring beneath, across,
up, down and around to aid the store in selecting the
over the shoulder boulder holder required
to hoist and rein in those babies;
a 44 EEE did the trick...
scaffolding required
prior size 36 B

No one is normally able to write their name
with breast milk, 
in cursive,
on the bathroom mirror, 
at a distance of 3 feet,
are they?
Picture grasping in both hands an unruly garden hose.

...and because some of you have just asked "why?"
He had made some snarky remark about them 
"not being that humongous"
and post birth hormones got the best of me, 
and yes, I did aim just to the left, 
off the mirror,
 for just a second, 
that's a lie..
I got him good...

Back to this morning.
Justice went through her terror cacophony
at around 5:30 so I got up and put on my bra.
Went outside to water the garden,
made some coffee, and started redoing
 some pincushions I had not sold.

Ran the vacuum, did two loads of laundry
and by now the bra straps were bothering
me, so I pulled them through the sleeves
`a la flashdance and let them dangle:
reassessed about 5 minutes later
and pulled the whole damn thing off.

These days spandex is more about
 gravity than girth, no
though a definition of la.ti.tude
(scope for freedom of action) 
seems to fit

no other humans around
why bother?
gravity damage occurred long ago
after 32 months of nursing

Wave free my girls,
to and fro flapping in the wind....
insert mental image of American Flag flying
atop a local Terrible Herbst Station.

throw in the slap slap sound..

happy weekend girlfriends.


Art and Sand said...

I laughed so much about the bra story.

I love Saturday mornings because I don't have to put my bra on right away. I have even been known to do our morning beach walk sans bra when it is cold enough that I wear a coat.

I don't know why it feels so freeing to leave off the bra. I am glad to know that I am not the only person who feels that way.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh thats so funny!I'm bra less at the moment, I always change when we come home from being out because I'm usually painting something and I'm messy, when I change into my work grubby clothes the bra goes too, At 57 I have come to know the freedom of that letting the girls loose!

Donna Wilkes said...

My husband thinks I am crazy when I ask if a trip somewhere around town is bra-worthy. I tend to avoid them. At 59, I do not think they can bump and slump any more so than they already do. Sometimes just a tank under a tee is enough for me. My garden bra is so full of holes I am not even sure it still qualifies as fabric. Happy flapping!

Blondie's Journal said...

Why do I always let go of the most intimate secrets when I come to your blog? You really provoked us to let it all hang out in this one. My problem is that if I don't wear a bra and keep those girls up on my chest where they belong, I sweat terribly underneath them. That's more uncomfortable to me than a bra. Gotta love getting old.

I laughed until I almost piddled over you doing a little artwork on the mirror and hubby!!


Linda @ A La Carte said...

Oh I am laughing so hard!! I had the huge breasts filled with milk and could not house them easily either. Now they have stayed large and I just flat out don't like wearing a bra. So I'm with you on them flap!

20 North Ora said...

This is a hilarious post! I laughed so hard. Thanks for sharing your morning with us!


The Boston Lady said...

Oh can I relate to all of this! Just heard on the radio yesterday coincidentally, that wearing a bra does not mean you will eventually have less sag, less back pain, less everything. Well why didn't they tell me that YEARS ago?!?!? After my first child was born my "girls" were so engorged with milk I couldn't get him to latch on. I still remember bending over the sink with the two rocks attached to my chest, crying, applying warm compresses and trying to squeeze some milk out - Christmas Eve! Santa got me through it finally, but man that was misery. But worth it in the end. Ann

Jill said...

I think I'm speechless. Well, almost. :) Visuals I'm going to spend the weekend getting out of MY MIND! I hope you have a good weekend too!

Kathy said...

Crack me up!!! And just so you know, the first thing I do when I get home from work is let my girl-and-a-half be free!

joanne said...

you're killin' me! And my sweet little 38C's!

Jackie said...

Oh boobies! I was a 36 A until my 40's, I started drinking wine, I am now up to a 36 C!! holy crap! My hubby is more then happy, but I now know the sweet relief of coming home and letting them fly solo!
just me and a tank top and pajama bottoms! Comfy cozy! Damn the wine..
As I uncork a bottle of pinot grigio!

Kit said...

:) We are boobie sisters! My loverly ladies gave up to gravity long ago. I only wear a bra when I leave the house. Otherwise I am free as a bird! Kit

jffollies said...

Love, love the post. Actually all your posts. And being braless on a Sat. morn. Course I'm braless most mornings-some afternoons too and every evening I 'm not out and about. And in the right outfit I'm braless then also. Maybe I should just throw them away?

Claudia said...

I am with you on this one! I do not like wearing a bra, will do almost anything to avoid it, and have to remind myself that not everyone in the market wants to see my 60 year old braless self. Soon I'm off to work in Hartford and I will have to wear a bra everyday. Yuck!


Anonymous said...

back in the late 60s early 70s I went braless...oh the bone crunching, organ squeezing "over the shoulder boulder holders" for me! I was a 34B...those days have been gone and over for years! now I wear hand me down (new) bras that didn't fit my DIL, lovely for holding the mammory glands up...but torture to wear for longer than 5 minutes...when I've been somewhere the first thing I do when I'm home again is ditch the shoes then the bra! who said bras were invented by a man? don't know but I bet they're right!

Silva said...

I so appreciate this!!!!!! thanks!!!

Kit said...

OMG! Loved this. I think we are Boob Sisters.. LOL My daughters always wondered how I didn't smother them when nursing. :) Kit

fairyrocks said...

You had me snorting my cuppa this morning. I too could have written and read the writing on the mirror , curses for not thinking of it still laughing. Ah, the girls. Is it wrong that I just couldn't bring myself to harness on a good Friday morn...? Read all the comments, so glad I am not alone! I do buckle up for town and company. More for them than me let me tell ya.

Unknown said...

OH! To be free as a bird.........ditch the shoes and the bra! Loved your open and honest and FUNNIEST post.
Pinching shoes and wire digging bras are like sheer torture. If Theanne's theory of men inventing bras then I say let's strap them up in a wired supported Jock Strap and see how long it takes for them to rip it off and be free! Thanks for all the laughs!

Jacqueline @ HOME said...

Hahahahahaha !!!!! Great story. I don't think that I've ever had a bra that has fitted me properly and i've been fitted for then in department stores .... I don't think they know what they are doing !!! XXXX

Kit said...

I hate my bra too! I never wear a bra around the house anymore. And I wear loose fitting plaid shirts, so that if someone drops by and surprises me, they can't really tell. Horrible inventions! :) Kit