Friday, September 21, 2018

A Miserable Failure

You would think that 
fitting a cpap to a face 
would not be very difficult,
as it's done many many times a day.

Leave it to this ole broad to have issues.
After three different types all failing to "seal" 
properly we settled on a full face model
 that was so tight to my face that 3 hours
 after removal I was still showing
 the divots in my face.

To sum up quickly:
I failed miserably.

I made it till the last hour required
after multiple times being
awakened by staff to change masks,
adjust monitors etc. 
Still only slept a total of 2 1/2 hours.

Around 4 am I started to cough,
 and then more severely
until I could not catch my breath. 
Suddenly realized I could not
sit up enough to clear my throat
and I could not remove the mask
and I 
could 
NOT breathe.

Frantically clawing at the damn thing,
the tech ran in from down
the hall and yanked it off me and we both 
were holding onto each other 
saying damn that was bad.

Both techs were wonderful and kind
this time but it was still a total failure.

Will see if the Dr reviewing record will say
he has enough to order machine
but I'm not sure I can stand to sleep 
with the dang thing.
So I signed the paper saying I quit the test.

I'm discouraged and defeated.
I'm going on hiatus from everything for a bit.


At least fall is here


Tuesday, September 18, 2018

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It turns out that I indeed do have sleep apnea,
and a c-pap machine is needed.
I will be going back for another night
at the same center and that worry has caused 
 even more sleep issues.

I spoke to the Supervisor, told her my story
and she scheduled me on a day 
when my former tech
is not on duty. That was very kind.

Still the experience itself was unpleasant 
not just the tech, so trepidation is
the current condition.

Seeing as how I stop breathing 78 times an hour,
which is "not the worst she's seen, but up there",
I have no choice but to go.

It's now been a year since I hobbled
onto this merry go round.
The thrill is gone, looooong gone.

The only comfort I find is that fall
is coming and this confining heat is 
nearly over. Still I live where
natural disasters are infrequent so I 
count my blessings there.

All the more reason to vote in folks
 who actually understand the urgency for 
change worldwide to protect the planet and reduce,
if we still can, effects causing such climate calamities.

Being able to breathe and exist on the planet
trumps all other issues combined.
pun intended
though I hate using anything other than #45

Making a conscious effort to create often
like I used to, a friend and I are going
to be stuffing pumpkins at the end of the week.
Fall will heal me once more,
I'm counting on it.


Z

btw- my new room design is 
working perfectly. It almost feels 
like all the extra room is helping my breathing.
Clear away the clutter gals
where ever it may be.



Sunday, September 2, 2018

So This Became That and This Moved There, Or The Dominoes Have Fallen



I was just going to "try something."

There used to be a two piece very large cabinet 
right there on that wall. 


The top part of the cabinet
is on the floor far right.
Chairs moved out of the way.


The bottom I was going to use for tv in FR
as I'm selling large cabinet behind it.



Could this top go there?




Maybe so, and what if I did hang artwork there?


Loaded the shelves


After sending progress shots to my girl,
we agreed on this.

The room looks wider, fresher
and I am one less piece of furniture
and I now have fewer collectibles.
Score!



Then I began moving some things off of the porch


Ended up swapping out items from cabinet in LR.
Keeping favorites only,
always with the mindset to downsize.


That affected this display



Morphed into this


Which resulted in piles more purged items.
This is one of two tables waiting for pricing.



Oh, and I made cards with friend Sue
last weekend.



Fun day!


Sunday, August 26, 2018

Happy Kids Happy Mama

The kids were at Brunch together yesterday.



Ben and Helene


Hannah and Morgan,
her best friend since Kindergarten.
Morgan was visiting in between 
 residency rotations.

I can see both of them in their Oshkosh,
squealing with laughter on the playground.
Mutt and Jeff.
Hannah and Morgan,
a tiny bit of a girl


Second grade Helldorado Days at school

They have made an effort to
 see each other at least once a year
since HS graduation and they've both been
all over the country.

It all makes Mama very happy.



Thursday, August 16, 2018

Who Needs a Scary Movie?

Want to be scared ****less?
Agree to a sleep study

I cannot begin to describe how awful this 
experience was Monday night.
Google "wired up for a sleep study" and 
find the worst photo and then multiply by two.

Suffering from insomnia for months
 I was worried I would not sleep,
but luckily after 2 hours lying there, I slept for an hour 
and then woke up coughing and choking
on huge amount of mucous in my throat. I was trying
 to clear my throat and sitting up wondering
if I should call to see if they could remove temporarily
the three (yep three!) cannulas in my nose
 and the tube into my mouth so I could blow and spit..
(Sorry folks this is what was happening.)

The tech "Manny" burst in and
 began to scold me for 20 minutes for 
"waking myself up" and becoming anxious.
"I'm monitoring your O/2 -I won't let you die;
 if you stop breathing EMT is right next door.

OK seriously?

"It just feels like your choking
but you can still breathe,
so GO TO SLEEP! NOW!"

Scolding had morphed into near yelling.

I could spend an hour telling you the rest of it
but I'll just tell you the conclusion.
I did manage to sleep another 3 hours -
after weeping a little while, I admit,
though I never touched my eyes so 
tech could not see in night vision.
 I would not give the SOB
the satisfaction.

Tech was NOT happy with my measly 4 hours.
He's supposed to record 7 1/2.

He burst into room at 6 when I opened my eyes
and sat me right up too fast to begin removing 
a kajillion wires from EVERYWHERE 
and my vertigo kicked in big time.

 He told me I may have to repeat.
I looked him right in the eye and
said "fat chance."

All the other patients were unhooked and leaving,
and though he said take your time,
it was clear he wanted me to leave
 as he carried my purse and bag to the front door.

I would have easily failed a field sobriety test.
I was nauseated, vision blurry, and dizzy. 
Yet get into my car I did.
Drank about 16 oz of cold water
that he had kept out of my reach that night,
and proceeded to drive very carefully
 the 3 miles back home.
It was a surface street with little traffic
 or I would not have attempted.
I swayed through my garage
into the kitchen and promptly 
vomited in the sink. 

Oh there is so much more,
but that's enough scary stuff.
BTW the goo glued into your hair 
in seven places takes four complete shampoos
 to remove, or maybe just me?

I wish you could see me shaking my head,
this is all so nuts.

My brother's line of 
"50% of all Drs graduate in the bottom half
of their class, is on a loop in my brain."

and my last note "go to hell Manny"
I actually said the other thing. 

Z




Saturday, August 11, 2018

Four Docs, A Shot and Ben Casey Would Know



I really don't mind 
having met the halfway mark through 
my 60's but it seems to have had
the effect of a starter pistol as far
as my health goes.

Monday was a bunch more blood work etc.
Today was two Drs, one brand new, four more tests,
and a shot for pneumonia.
My first injection in decades.
Coming up next, three more Drs, "specialists"
you see, who hopefully will have answers,
and it's safe to assume a lot more tests.

As of Sept last year I had never needed 
prescriptions for anything other than antibiotics
 every few years if I caught a winter "something",
birth control in my twenties, 
and I hadn't needed 
a Dr for more than annual exams in decades.

Now in 2018 I wander in and out of offices,
being passed around for x-rays, electrodes, 
zaps, pokes, scans and such.

I'm not too fond of this new routine.
I'm looking for the exit, or the big red stop button
that I can pound down with my fist.
I want the buzzer that signals the 
last round of the game, and get some solid answers.

Ben Casey would know.


I had a Ben Casey "Dr" shirt 
when I was in elementary
school and my girlfriends and I played hospital.
They were on team Kildare,
but I alone went the brooding, dark route,
never the All American blonde blue eyed type for me.
Team Casey all the way.

He could pull off a pocket protector yesiree bob.

Which explains why my next
grown up obsession was Armand


which morphed into


Do we see a pattern here Dr?

Neither of my husbands had 
what I now realize was "the look"
SO THAT'S what happened?!

Stay well my friends, stay well.

Z




Sunday, August 5, 2018

Ten bloomin' years - Yep ten!








Seems only fitting that I 
should chronicle what I have done
here for the past ten years:
The anniversary is this month, 
coming up soon.
It's a bit of a read sorry...

I never intended to blog this long,
or to write such a mishmash of ideas
 and memories, especially as I started out on a whim.
 I am happy however that I did take that first step.

My first words were:

"The kids will not believe that I did this
 on my own without nagging them for help. 
Tonight was another sleepless night, 
so why not give it a try? 
Please bear with me as I learn to navigate 
these treacherous waters of the internet and blogging.
 I will attempt to learn quickly
 and try to be if not entertaining, then informative."

I was shocked to read that the sleeping issue
 went back so far,
that's where journaling comes in handy.


Yesterday I spent time reviewing the years, 
stopping to read a few here and there
 remembering family moments,
watching the years slip away. 

I wanted a journal of sorts
and it is what it is.
I tried to never blather on 
so as to have a post each day,
but indeed blather is here and there. 
I wrote if I had something to say,
or to share.

Lots of us started out here in 08.
Most that I knew then have gone away completely,
or jumped to daily postings on IG
and Facebook. I won't touch FB and I barely 
do IG. My little oldgreymare corner
is just right for me.

 A few of my post links are below, 
I couldn't tell you why I selected 
this particular hodgepodge of ten.  

Some or all may be new to you.

Thank you
every one of you

for your 10 years of 
 support
friendship
laughter
advice
and love









These next two go together




with love

Z








Sunday, July 29, 2018

Two of a Kind


When a shirt is cute and comfortable,
you may find yourself reflected back at a summer party.

My girls:
Helene and Hannah

Smart Accomplished Funny and Kind

and obviously share similar taste

Monday, July 23, 2018

All Fun and Games Till Somebody Gets a Cone


If you don't follow me on IG this is news.
Howie and I were back once more 
at emergency vet on Saturday.
He scratched his eye and infection set in uber fast 
and he was in agony.



He really hates the cone and can't go 
out dog door or navigate the stairs.
I moved his bed against the couch
within reach for petting and rubs.

SOoooooooo

Mama has to let him outside as he
does that frequently day and night
 through dog door, and I also comfort him
 and stop him from trying to 
constantly rip off cone and scratch.
He has Houdini skills.

DR said it is extremely itchy and meds
can only partially soothe.
Three days to relief it says and today is #3.

 I've been back on couch as he'll whimper 
and cry if I'm upstairs without him.
 I have not slept 
a continuous 2 hours since Friday night.
Most of you know I wasn't sleeping well 
anyway but jeez this is hard.
I'm a zombie.

I try to limit my activities as
he follows me everywhere and 
he does not manage the cone well smashing
into everything. Of course current vision 
in only one eye is a huge hindrance 
to depth perception and peripheral vision. 

I feel like we're the two poster children
of geriatric medicine these past 10 months.

I repeat my prayers of gratitude
on a constant loop, but I am getting weary.
Tests and new Drs in August.

As long as I don't have to wear a cone.







Saturday, July 21, 2018

Whiplash and Freefall

When I'm 64
I will believe that 65 is still a ways off.

Then yesterday it was here,
in all it's - glory?

Wonderful calls from kids and friends,
a lunch with a great friend,
and a goodie box of pampering goods from
the kiddos topped off my 64th year.

I do not mind being 65.
What I do mind is the constant whiplash
I feel from the criminal actions of #45.
Every time I think this is it;
this is what will finally wake up 
that malevolent side of America;
I go back into freefall, 
praying for a safe landing.

Take away all the horrific maneuverings we have 
been forced to watch unfold and narrow
the focus to just the smallest of us
in this world.
Children

Remove religions, races and ethnicities
and pare down to the core of our humanity.
Loving and caring for the 
children of the entire world.

If you cannot believe in that,
fight for that,
despair over that,
then your humanity is gone.

If every query of what path to follow
began with the question
"what is best for ALL the children?"
perhaps we all could once more 
feel safe and proud.

free falling

I can no longer handle roller coasters
or airplane turbulence.
Those sensations are terrifying to me.

I can sue for whiplash,
could I sue #45 and friends for causing me 
the same mental anguish
of humanity's free fall?



Saturday, July 7, 2018

Drawers Drawers Drawers









Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Hot and Happy Independance





Nature's Fireworks

Friday, June 22, 2018

A Wife's Message?

I really don't care do U?

After my first shock of disgust 
something occurred to me. 

Is it at all possible,
maybe, just maybe 
this is a message from a wife
to a sick bastard of a husband?

A trapped animal will chew off 
it's own leg
to escape.

update: Just read an article posted minutes
ago on the Guardian
that others are thinking what I thought.
Woot!

Sunday, June 17, 2018

My Father's Days


My dad was not able to see 
his grandchildren very often.
Great distance and other issues
meant less than 1 week a year.


I have guilt and regrets about that BIG time.
When we would get together, he was always
intent on making memories.


Dad died when my kids were still quite young
so their memories are mostly 
through photographs and my stories of him.

That is true for all of us,
we live on in the minds of those who knew us, or 
who have heard our stories from those who loved us.

I don't think there is a person who knew
my dad who does not have a story about how 
he helped them, guided them, taught them.

When my first husband heard of DJR's passing he wrote
me and told me that is was because of my dad that
he knew how to set up an efficient workshop,
and how he thought of him often while in that room. 

After his passing,
I discovered dozens of notes from stranded strangers
he had helped along the highways.

He had an enormous retirement party
and everyone came because they wanted to be there,
to tell of their times with him.

He hit the ground running early, 
and either worked until dusk or
played by fishing and gardening.
His frequent neighborhood parties were legendary.

He filled his days well 

Grace Honor Love

Happy Fathers Day PapPap


"memory believes before knowing remembers
believes longer than recollects,
 longer than knowing even wonders. 
knows, remembers, believes"
Faulkner




Saturday, June 9, 2018

Hopping Through June or The Hopscotch Mambo

Life these days is like playing hopscotch.
You hop, you jump and then you 
have to spin around in the air 
and go back the other way.

That's how I felt last night as I discovered 
I had a dozen comments awaiting moderation.
I never received an email on any of them. 
You gals who know me well must have thought
WELL, isn't she gettin' all snooty 
not responding any longer, as you all know,
 I ANSWER EVERY SINGLE COMMENT.

Even after the Where Women Create issue 
and then the book came out and 
there were over 300 in one week,
I answered every one that had an email.
Don't know how I'll fix this?

I've been hoppin' I've been jumpin' through hoops to
get a sense of normalcy and they throw this at me,
and just when I had fallen back in love with IG.
In my absence they fixed it so you can tell exactly
where you left off, the posts are back
 in a chronological order
and all those extra ads are gone.

When the hell did that happen?
oh who cares, WHOOT for IG! 
There are some new things of which I
have not a single clue but I'll learn. 

SO here comes the hop.
I was having one of those late night 
conversations with a pal Thursday, when I mentioned 
some things that shocked her and even though we've
discussed "everything" under the sun, 
and been friends many years,
do we ever really know each other?

We're back to the pondering here folks.
So I'm pondering June and how many Junes
I've experienced and I drag out the appropriate 
photo box, because you all KNOW 
it is organized with a capital O.
Oh that's another topic my pal and I covered.
The big O  hehe

I spy these

clockwise in the month of June
Senior Picture 71 - Our yellow corvette and me circa 79
College Sorority Junior year  73

Then these:
June 1971
summer session Clarion State College PA
In front of our dorm there was this puddle...

Little did we know then, 
the girl with her right hand on her hip 
and on the far left in can-can became my SIL
I'm in the red football jersey

and finally 

Me in Seoul South Korea in June of 80,
visiting my first husband on his 12 month remote tour.
Didn't know that about me did ya?
Those green overalls caused an enormous stir,
as no one told me that pants, let alone green overalls,
were not appropriate.

This whole thing then made me ponder blogging
and the faces we present.
How honest do we expect others to be?
Are we honest with ourselves?

Many folks have abandoned it
for a quick fix of IG and although it has it's place,
I am missing the chats and emails 
that formed unexpected friendships, 
where we really got into the nitty gritty 
behind the blog posts.
There are some die hards like me
that never did it for the numbers, 
but as a mini journal of my life 
and all the Junes I've had these past 10 years.

Z