Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Dead Goose

Just chatter today as I share
my day of yard work.

It was ONLY  100 today,
and going to 115 by Friday so 
I knew I had to get my tuckus out there and
clean up all the pink snow..

Three bags of this stuff from one tree
 and this is the third time this Spring.

I am no longer enjoying this garden.
It has become a place I dread as
 there is always something to clean up
via LOUD blower and then Howie thinks
it is fun to jump in the stuff and then eat some, 
and he rushes back inside to upchuck
 on the one small carpet area in the living room.
I'm telling you he makes a bee line for it,
as if I practiced with him for hours 
with treats, saying 
"PUKE here, RIGHT here, THAT'S it,
Good Boy Howie..."

After 4 hours I had 1/2 the yard done and had discovered
all three umbrellas had bird poop of
varying mega degrees, the bird bath was crusty,
both fountains needed to be cleaned and
reassembled, three strings of lights were out,
and some ugly horn worm resembling
Jabba The Hutt was devouring three plants.

Because the numbnuts in my neighborhood will be
setting off hundreds of dollars of illegal 
fireworks next week I am racing to pick up all
remaining dried debris from yard, 
roof and gutter so they don't burn
down my house.
EVERY year in town they burn up something.
They also blow off digits in rather large numbers
keeping the ER hummin'.

Anyhoot, you great gardeners out there
 that I know and love, my hats off to you.
You probably garden in MS clogs with
 a pretty apron and straw hat and whistle while you work.
I, on the other hand, garden in last night's PJ bottoms 
yes, the same one with the hole in the crotch.
I've since added a hanging torn knee hole and two holes 
spaced like eyes on my thigh.
I top it with a two sizes too large tank, 
no bra and yep the mammaries are swinging.
In all fairness to neighbor's sensibilities,
I do not venture into the front yard at all,
and if the neighbors behind and beside want to peek
from their solar screened hidden bedrooms - go for it.
The view of my bent over butt serves you right,
and I do not whistle, I sing songs whose lyrics
I'm unsure of, which I fear is not charming,
to anyone.
 I also curse like a drunken sailor, 
at the debris, the worm, the slime on
the fountain

 the asinine Supreme Court ruling on 
If you are uninformed, become informed.
This is historic stuff folks.
One of our most basic freedoms was torched today
and we'll see now if the House will have the cojones to save it, 
because they can...

Is it any wonder the goose committed suicide?


Anonymous said...

well you tell like it is, and I love that,

Razmataz said...

My cat who is old and ill prefers the 1980's green carpet on the stairs to upchuck on. People must wonder why I have such stained, bleach spotted and disgusting carpet in my house.

Sounds like a lot of work in that yard....what a messy tree (trees?)

Kathy said...

In the words of that great philosopher, Jimmy Buffet... "If we couldn't laugh we'd just all go insane"!
Trust me, anyone who gardens in a sweet straw hat has hired help.

Lori from Notforgotten Farm said...

Z ~
always refreshing to visit you!

Jean Bee said...

OMG!!! The tank top story - THAT IS ME!!!!! Although I live in a condo and don't have a garden that is my "uniform" as soon as I get out of the shower unless I have to leave! I put my housecoat over it to get my mail...I figure if anyone is offended by me in my housecoat at the mailbox I'd just remind them that it covers up more than a bathing suit!!
Love your blog, but especially today's!!!

Nella said...

Hi Suz...yes, I garden in my pyjamas....just yesterday it was attire all day till supper! I think with the end of June all the romance of glorious gardens takes a back seat to Japanese beetles, black spot and bird droppings....I think they drop on my chairs for laughs!! Any way, the heat and humidity are taking their toll here as well....thank you keeping me laughing today, N.xoxo

Romeo said...

LMAO - your adventures never cease to make me smile. Well except for Howie. And let me tell you, I can most certainly relate! One throw rug in the whole stinking house and right now it's out on the deck drying after being cleaned no less than four times and still the stain won't come out. Perhaps they are cahoots together?!?! Tyranny I tell you.

"Her" and the Romeo man

Debbie said...

Oh dear Z...what would our lives be like with no gardens to clean, no bird droppings to sit in, no puke to scrub, no boobs to hang, and no crotchless pj bottoms to wear? We would be living such a relaxed, easy, almost boring life. I just don't see that kind of lifestyle being fulfilling enough for you...
Embrace the bird poop! Let those tata's flop free! Keep the breezes blowing through your pj's! Let those neighbors see what a free spirit you are! Who knows how many lives you will touch in your neighborhood???
It will all be okay.

Robin Larkspur said...

OH,gosh Z, I got the funniest picture of you in my mind!!! But who cares in your own backyard!! If your neighbors are peeking they deserve the shock or the thrill, which ever way they take it, lol.
I think all dogs and cats go directly to rugs, bypassing linoleum, laminate or any other easy-to-clean surface; it's in their DNA! Fact!
Poor goose.

Lana said...

Great read this morning!! LOVED it (again and again)...So real (I have some of those SAME p.j. bottoms and several t-shirts that are so faded, torn, stained, painted...
SO TRUE about the Civil Rights Act and where we have come to at this point in our lives. Criminal. Makes me choke.
Thank you, Z, for being you. You're a blessing to all of us.

Karen said... crack me up. Is that mimosa tree debris? Love those trees, not too many around here.

I just came in from the barn wearing my pj's and braless. If the neighbors have binoculars they can look away, thank you very much. Aprons don't exist here at This Old House. I do have muck shoes though... sloggers, get yourself a pair! They're so comfortable.

Susan M. said...

Oh my gosh, my stomach muscles hurt. And I had to rush to wipe off my keyboard - blew my drink all over it when I saw the poor goose!

Thank you for affirming the wearing of last night's p.j.'s while enjoying the freedom of unleashed ta ta's - it's nice to know I've a kindred spirit!

P.S. As one who has 8 Mimosa trees on the property, I feel your pain. I HATE THOSE D&$# things!

Boxwood Cottage said...

I feel with you Z cause we have the other weather extreme over here. You need air conditioning to cool off the air and I need to put on the heat for some warmth, it's all so wrong! The last week we had the same weather as last Christmas and that in June - THIS IS NOT NORMAL!
Oh well but if I could chose, I think I'd still stay here because I can't imagine your hot hot cooking temps. I think they would kill me. I so hope that you find a way to stay cool. So sad about the garden though.
And about that insurance post, I can't believe that you pay 400$ per month and can't even afford to go to the dentist. I just checked and I pay 244 $ per month and can see any doctor I want. Geez and I really thought and believed that Obama was helping you guys with implementing a health insurance for everyone. Why oh why are politics always so complicated?
Hang in there my friend!
xoxo~ Carola

Cindy said...

Hey Z! I am catching up on your posts. I went from laughing out loud to crying to being inspired.
I have missed reading your blog! I think I can come up for air now and things are looking better....